Morbid Curiosity (morbid_curious) wrote,
Morbid Curiosity

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A letter to 16-year-old me.

Wrote this for elsewhere, so there are bits I didn't get to due to space limitations. But I figure it's worth recording here. Also, hi LiveJournal. I know it's been a while. For a long time I didn't have the words. So here's some of those.

If it's early in the year, you're probably still living behind emotional walls to keep the pain you can't process out of your life. You've been through a lot and they helped you to survive, but that's going to change. Something will change you for the better, at least eventually.

The bad news is: you're going to die. Maybe around mid August.
The good news is: it does get better.

You've got three months of concussion and memory loss ahead. It's going to rip you apart and put you back together differently. You'll have emotions again, and they'll be raw and you'll be oversensitive, but you'll learn how to deal with them.

Your health will get better in time for you to study for your Bursary Calculus exam, even if some of the internally assessed 6th Form Cert subjects are a write-off. You'll pass okay. The next year will be easier to handle for having fewer exams, helping you catch up on the holes you missed.

Germany will be good for you, even if school does start stupidly early there. It'll help you learn about other cultures, and it'll help you grow up. You'll get on well with women, even though far too many German women smoke. Someone will kiss you who probably shouldn't. You'll get into good music, and start to develop a personal sense of style. You'll still be pretty good at speaking and writing German when you're my age.

Next year you'll get a girlfriend. You'll be thrown in the deep end and you won't cope very well, but that's okay. You'll still be good for her while you're together, and several years later she'll thank you for being the person you were in her life. In years to come there will be other romances, and while they won't last you'll be better for them and usually they will be better for you, too.

Regrettably, you are going to spend some time in the "nice guy" ghetto, believing that you're being thoughtful and considerate when you're being passive-aggressive and not assertive. Luckily, someone's going to come along and tell you about the difference and you'll start to work out how to do that better.

Professionally and academically, you do okay. Things will come in fits and starts sometimes, but you'll accomplish great things. You'll contribute to some international projects and do your country proud. You'll get paid to build websites and write computer games. To Mum's amusement, you'll end up doing education-related work after all, even though you won't be a teacher.

Coming out of your early thirties, you're still a work in progress. But you've made a whole lot of progress, and the trend is a positive one. There are many steps between there and here, and you'll climb, and you'll fall. But keep going.

Eventually, it does get better.
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